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Parenting Tips

Nurturing
Nurturing Tip #1: Encourage play! Playtime allows children to practice and learn about emotions. Join in and share the joy it brings.

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7 Ways to Encourage Play!
  1. Be responsive to your children’s ideas. When you engage in an activity with your children, observe their skills and styles. Let them take the lead and try to be responsive to their ideas and inclinations rather than imposing your own.
  2. Do things you both enjoy. Try to stay in tune with your own feelings and avoid engaging too often in those activities that you don’t enjoy. Find things to do together that provide opportunities for you and your children to learn or discover something new or, at the very least, activities that you will derive pleasure from as you observe the enjoyment in your children.
  3. Avoid playing with your children when you are in a hurry or distracted. When you are feeling impatient, your children will sense your mood, and no one will enjoy the time together.
  4. Encourage children to enjoy time by themselves. The ability to enjoy time alone is important and develops during the preschool years. Try to avoid jumping in to fix problems when you observe that your children are having difficulty. Allow them to struggle and make mistakes (though step in when you feel that the level of frustration is too high).
  5. Set limits, but let your child explore. Play at this age is primarily exploratory. Try to support children’s experimentation while also providing appropriate limits when necessary. For example, when finger painting, children need to know that the paint must stay on the table (or paper), but how they apply the paint and what they create is up to them.
  6. Be non-judgmental and give specific praise. Acknowledge your children’s ideas and feelings without passing judgment. When you praise, be specific (e.g., “Anthony, I see you shared your crayons with Greta, and you’ve both made colorful pictures. What nice sharing!”)
  7. Have fun! When you’re playing with your child, your primary goal is for both of you to enjoy yourselves. So relax, have fun, and avoid the inclination to make a lesson out of everything.

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Nurturing Tip #2: Work with your child’s temperament rather than trying to change it.

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How to Maintain Harmony between Parent and Child

Parents who are attuned to their child’s temperament and who recognize their child’s particular strengths will find life more harmonious.

For example:
  • In a new situation, some children need little help in adapting
  • Other children do best if not hurried and given time to think about the situation
  • Others may need advance warning and practice of appropriate behavior

Always think about your own temperamental style and whether it meshes with your child’s temperamental style. An active, on-the-go parent may have to learn patience in dealing with a slow-to-warm-up child.

Responding Sensitively to Temperament
  1. Adapt the length of time, number of activities, and demands a task requires to a child’s capacity to manage these things.
  2. Prepare children for what will be happening, the likely sequence of events, the frustrations anticipated, and your expectations regarding their behavior.
  3. Plan for success. For example: For an active child, bring a book or toy she enjoys to help her manage delays; for a slow-to-warm-up child, set aside plenty of time for adjustment so that neither of you will feel rushed. Think about the kind of support your child will need to function well—and plan accordingly.
  4. Intervene and change the mood when behavior first begins to get out of hand. Do not wait until your child falls apart.

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Discipline
Discipline Tip #1: Set realistic expectations to reduce the chance of frustrating your child.

Read More

Ways to Reduce Frustration in Young Children
Any Temperament:
  • Work with your child’s temperament rather than trying to change it
  • Be careful not to compare your child to other children
  • Focus on your child’s strengths, and tell them when they do something well (not just when they mess up)
A Fearful Temperament:
  • Keep your home calm and predictable, and provide structure to your child’s daily life
  • Use one of your child’s favorite objects to ease anxiety during transitions
  • Prepare your child for any new experiences that occur
A Flexible Temperament:
  • Give them new experiences to encourage their enthusiasm
  • Make sure their needs don’t get “lost” compared to other children
  • Teach them to know how to evaluate the safety and appropriateness of activities and behaviors
A Feisty Temperament:
  • Maintain consistent rules
  • Avoid name-calling (“troublemaker,” “hyper,” “problem child”)
  • Offer a safe and calm space where the child can relax and regain control when needed

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Discipline Tip #2: Young children’s attention is limited. Stay calm and expect them to need frequent reminders of rules.

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Talking So Children Will Listen: 7 Tips
  1. Be brief. A good rule of thumb is to state what is most important in the first sentence. If you use a paragraph to say something, try a sentence instead. If you say it in a sentence, try saying it with a word. And if you find yourself saying the same thing again and again, try another strategy!
  2. Be specific. Saying, “Be good,” “Be nice,” is not enough information for children. Even saying, “Get ready for dinner,” may not be enough. Saying, “Dinner’s almost ready. Turn off the TV, please, and wash your hands,” is better.
  3. Describe the situation. Giving an account of what the problem is in a clear, simple, and neutral manner helps children and teens focus on what needs to get done rather than on defending themselves. For example, instead of, “You didn’t take out the trash,” try, “The garbage truck is coming this morning, and our cans are not by the curb.” Or, instead of, “Why are you late every morning?” try, “The bus will be here within ten minutes.”
  4. Provide information. State the facts so that children can make responsible decisions. For example, “Milk turns sour when not refrigerated,” or, “The house gets cold when the front door is left open.” Children experience this strategy as an expression of confidence in them.
  5. Issue gentle reminders. Parents need to remind children of their expectations many times. We never expect children to learn math or reading without repetition. Learning appropriate behavior is no different. “Dirty clothes belong in the hamper.” “Muddy shoes stay outside.” “Pick up your lunch on your way out the door.” After a while, a single word may be all that is needed: “Clothes.” “Shoes.” “Lunch.”
  6. Use “When and Then” instead of “If, Then.” Sentences that begin with “if” are often the beginning of a threat. “If you don’t pick up your toys, we can’t read a story.” Using “when/then” or “as soon as” presents matters more positively and offers a reward. “When you pick up your toys, then we can read a story.”
  7. Use “I,” not “You” phrases. Statements that start with “I” allow parents to express their own needs without making children defensive. They subtly shift the emphasis from the child to the behavior a parent wants to change. Saying, “I don’t like it when the toys are not picked up; I step on them,” is more likely to call children to action than, “You always make such big messes. You didn’t pick up your toys again.”

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Approaches to Learning
Learning Tip #1: Recognize that your child uses all of her senses to learn: touch, sound, and sight are all important cues.

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Six Common Learning Styles:
Visual
  • Learns by seeing, watching
  • Enjoys drawing
  • Stimulated by pictures
  • Notices colors
  • Learns best with graphs, charts, or maps
  • Uses images to remember things
Auditory
  • Learns best by listening
  • Enjoys listening to stories
  • Enjoys rhyming games
  • Likes music
  • Hums or sings often
  • Talks to self when learning something new
Verbal
  • Learns best by reading, writing, and talking
  • Enjoys telling stories
  • Creates elaborate fantasy worlds
  • Enjoys learning new words
  • Likes word searches, scrabble, crosswords
  • Enjoys tongue twisters and rhymes
Tactile/ Kinesthetic
  • Learns best by doing
  • Enjoys touching and handling things
  • Likes to be physically active
  • Prefers to try things out (as opposed to being shown)
  • Often has a short attention span
  • Often appears restless or fidgety
Social
  • Prefers to learn in groups
  • Enjoys being around people
  • Warm, responsive personality
  • Motivated to help or please others
  • Enjoys being on teams or in clubs
  • Has good communication skills
Solitary
  • Learns best alone
  • Prefers to listen, watch, reflect
  • Likes to think before trying a new skill
  • Tends to be private
  • Often reflective
  • Independent

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Communication
Communication Tip #1: Turn everyday activities into opportunities to build vocabulary and other language skills.

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Strategies for Encouraging Literacy
  1. Start early. Research shows that reading with your child not only benefits their language and intellectual development but also helps you build a strong, close relationship with them.
  2. Make reading a positive experience. Slow down, enjoy, and be warm and encouraging. Be playful and use fun voices to make the stories more captivating.
  3. Encourage participation by asking, “What do you think comes next?” or, “What’s inside the hole?” or pausing to let your child fill in the words he might know.
  4. Let your child choose the book—even if it’s the same one over and over again!
  5. Let them be in control of turning the pages and deciding when they’re done. The goal isn’t to get to the end of the book but to encourage positive interactions with books and reading. If they seem bored or restless, stop reading and come back to the book another time.
  6. Share everyday reading moments—point out words at the grocery store and post office, in the car, and on labels and recipes. Show your child that reading is important in everyday life.
  7. Encourage your child to experiment with telling stories, acting out favorite or made-up stories, drawing, and writing.
  8. Invite your toddler to “read” to you. Reading time doesn’t have to be a one-way street! They may not know the words, but they can “read” the pictures and name what they see. As they grow, they can retell familiar stories or decode the story by looking at the pictures. They’re learning important lessons about plot, characters, and creativity.
  9. Let your child see you enjoy reading your own books. Example is a powerful teacher. As your child observes your pleasure in reading, they will come to value it, too.

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Communication Tip #2: Pauses are powerful. Wait to be sure that your child is absorbing what you are saying.

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Six Powerful Communication Strategies
  1. Self-talk. Say what you are doing, thinking, and feeling as you naturally go through your day.
    Why it Matters: Your child will hear different words and be able to relate them to the world.
  2. Lean in. If possible, make eye contact and stop other activities.
    Why it Matters: Your child will learn that their words are important and that they are valued.
  3. Revise. Add more detail or background to what your child says to you.
    Why it Matters: Your child will learn more ways to express what they are interested in.
  4. Be open. When you talk or read, leave some statements open for your child to finish: “This doll likes to…”
    Why it Matters: Your child will feel capable and confident as they add to the conversation.
  5. Be curious. Start sentences with “I wonder if…” or “I bet you like…”
    Why it Matters: Be comfortable with silence so that your child absorbs what you say.
  6. Encouragement. Your child will be excited to share what they know.
    Why it Matters: Giving the child time to think gives them a chance to respond.

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Nurturing
Nurturing Tip #1: Let your child practice skills that will help them succeed. For example, teach a shy child how to make eye contact with and say hello to a loved one first before practicing with others.

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7 Strategies for Nurturing Your Child’s Sense of Self
  1. Remember that children develop their sense of competence over time.
  2. Respect children and require respect in return.
  3. Teach through example. Model what you hope to teach.
  4. Help children to think and problem-solve. Work issues through with them so that they can learn to do it on their own.
  5. Require children to take on responsibilities and make some contribution to family life.
  6. Balance independence and control. Children need structure, adult guidance, support, and limits, along with opportunities to make choices of their own.
  7. Be realistic about the limits of your control, and accept the fact that parents have a powerful influence but cannot control what children believe and how they behave.

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Nurturing Tip #2: Give your child a variety of words—like excited, disappointed, frustrated—to express all of their feelings.

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6 Ways to Talk About Difficult Feelings
  1. Provide unconditional love. “I know you’re upset you didn’t make the soccer team, but I love you and am proud of you for trying.”
  2. Give positive guidance: encouraging, affectionate, and supportive. “I see you’re trying and are frustrated—I bet you’ll get it soon!”
  3. Help your child when she clearly needs help, but allow her to try it on her own first. “It might be hard, but let’s see if you can do it first.”
  4. Set realistic expectations. “You might not feel confident; all I want you to do is try your best.”
  5. Let your child know that mistakes are acceptable. “I know you’re disappointed, but I bet we can learn something from this mistake.”
  6. Serve as a role model—be calm and manage your own negative emotions. “Let’s look at this calmly together and come up with a plan.”

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Discipline
Discipline Tip #1: Be a role model. Nothing parents can say is as important as what children see them do on a daily basis.

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10 Ways to Be a Role Model for Your Child
  1. Play games together that help children practice taking turns, negotiating rules, etc.
  2. Model how to share and cooperate with others.
  3. “Think out loud” to show your child how you think.
  4. Label your feelings and your child’s out loud: e.g., “You seem sad. What happened?”
  5. Read to your child, and read aloud together: emphasize emotion, play with voices.
  6. Let your child try to do things with you rather than always doing it for them.
  7. Talk aloud with your child about events or news to ask their opinion and to help memory building.
  8. Create and carry out a plan with your child to model problem-solving.
  9. Make sure your child gets healthy food and enough sleep (10-12 hours suggested for ages 3-8).
  10. Model taking care of your health and body: “I have more energy when I snack on fruit than candy.”

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Discipline Tip #2: Break down your expectations for your child into "first…then" statements to avoid misunderstandings.

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6 Problem-Solving Strategies
  1. Choose a quiet time to problem-solve (when you are riding in the car, putting a child to bed, etc.). You can begin by saying, “We seem to be having a problem—let’s figure out what we can do to solve it.”
  2. Describe the situation from your child’s point of view. Listen to see if he or she agrees with your understanding of his or her perspective.
  3. Describe the problem from your perspective as a parent. Express your own feelings and needs sensitively and honestly. Use “I” messages. Define the problem in terms of needs, not solutions.
  4. Restate the problem simply from both perspectives and brainstorm together to think of possible solutions. Write them down if it’s helpful. Generate as many solutions as possible, striving for quantity initially, not quality. Do not evaluate the ideas at this point.
  5. Consider every idea and choose one solution to try that meets the needs of everyone involved. Plan together how you will implement the agreed upon solution. Implement it.
  6. After implementing the plan, evaluate it. Congratulate one another if things are working to everyone’s satisfaction. Make changes if needed. Or, if the solution is not working, start over and agree on another solution.

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Approaches to Learning
Learning Tip #1: Let children know mistakes are OK and acceptable—they don’t need to get everything "right."

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Fostering Independence and Resilience: Six Tips
  1. Discover and affirm your child’s strengths. Not every child will be a great student, athlete, or performer, but every child has qualities that make them special. Help them accept that they will sometimes falter.
  2. Get to know and convey your appreciation of their unique style, especially when the strengths are not easily observed or universally applauded. “I notice that people like to spend time with you. You pay attention and are kind to them.”
  3. Allow children to explore and follow their interests and support them as they gradually reach a sense of mastery. Feeling a sense of competence in one area means your child will be better able to withstand difficulties in another.
  4. Value trying over succeeding, even if the outcome is not always good. If we always protect our children from hurt or defeat, they will never learn to cope on their own. Even if your first impulse is to rush in and solve a problem, try to hold back. Help children understand that in making mistakes, we often learn new things and that your love is not contingent on their success.
  5. Avoid doing for children what they can do for themselves. Take the time to teach your children the skills they need so they can do tasks independently. Show them how to zip a zipper, tie their shoes, make their bed, set the table, help with the laundry, and cook a meal.
  6. Be patient, even if it takes longer to get it “right.” It takes patience to teach children such important skills, but they need to be able to contribute to their family and also gain a sense of competence when they can handle routine tasks.

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Learning Tip #2: Praise your child’s efforts as well as the successes

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Offering Effective Praise and Encouragement: Seven Tips
  1. Avoid extravagant praise. When you say, “You must be the smartest kid in the class,” your child may experience it as pressure to perform or may learn to become dependent on others’ approval.
  2. Be specific. Don’t just say, “Good job” whenever your child makes progress toward a goal or masters a skill. Point out the details. Saying, “The way you described the storm in your story made it real for me,” or, “I like the colors you used to draw your picture,” shows that you are paying attention and is more meaningful than a rote pat on the back or an extravagant compliment.
  3. Give an A for effort. Praise attitude. You might say, “You were so focused in that soccer match,” or, “You worked hard to solve that math problem.” Then, if your child doesn’t do well the next time, he will be more likely to attribute the problem to a lack of effort than a lack of ability.
  4. Praise your child for things deserving recognition. Research suggests that children who are complimented enthusiastically for doing an easy task are more likely to think they are not capable of doing more.
  5. Notice improvement. “You got five words right on your spelling test. That’s two more than last week,” or, “Thanks for picking up without my asking.”
  6. Spread the word. Let your child overhear you say something good about her to someone else. Sometimes children discount direct praise as embarrassing.
  7. Accept mistakes. Your child needs to know that your love is not contingent on his succeeding or behaving well. Also, experiencing mistakes and recovering promotes resilience and self-confidence.

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Learning Tip #3: Taking (reasonable) risks is how children learn. Expose them to safe but challenging tasks.

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Learning by Doing (Safely): Six Strategies
  1. Allow children to make choices and decisions. So that children feel they have some control over their lives, parents should allow children opportunities to make age-appropriate choices. At a very early age, a parent can ask, “Would you like to wear your blue sweater or your red jacket?” Or when a child is older, “Would you like to practice the piano before or after dinner?” Or, “Earn money by working a few days after school, or on Saturdays?”
  2. Allow children to make mistakes and experience the consequences. In rushing in to rescue their children, parents often rob them of an important learning opportunity
  3. Encourage children to solve their own problems. Avoid the temptation to offer a quick solution yourself or to give unasked advice. Whenever possible, let children handle problems, including squabbles with siblings, without your help. When intervention is necessary, help children brainstorm possible solutions to a problem, evaluate options, and then decide which one they want to try.
  4. Analyze failure. Researchers who study resiliency maintain that it isn’t failure that is devastating to a child but how they interpret it. When a child is able to think, “I failed the test because I didn’t pay attention,” rather than, “I failed because I’m dumb,” they can figure out what they can do differently and better next time.
  5. Teach children caution, not fear. As children become older and acquire new and appropriate freedoms that move them away from the watchful eyes of parents, teach them to trust and obey their feelings if someone ever makes them uncomfortable and to ask for help whenever they need it. If, in a compromising or uncomfortable situation, someone says, “Don’t yell!” they should yell. If someone says, “Don’t tell,” they should tell for safety reasons.
  6. Find ways for children to make a meaningful contribution. Give children responsibilities around the house that seem reasonable for their age, ability, and personality. Encourage them to assume responsibilities in school and in the community. Help them be successful in completing what they start without taking over. Helping others gives children a chance to focus on more than their own needs and desires.

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Communication
Communication Tip #1: Avoid negative labels or publicly labeling your child in front of others.

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Six Positive Parenting Strategies
  1. Be flexible about your child’s ability to handle a task. Think about the length of time, number of activities, and demands a task requires. You may need to adjust your plan.
  2. Change the mood. Get involved when a behavior first begins to get out of hand. Do not wait until your child falls apart.
  3. Avoid negative labels. Use positive words to describe temperament. Call your child “persistent” instead of “stubborn,” “energetic” instead of “hyper.”
  4. Avoid over-explaining. If you frequently say, “David is very shy,” he begins to see himself that way too much and not try to stretch his skills.
  5. Remember “goodness of fit.” Consider your own style and your feelings about your child’s temperament. Have you been able to accept your child’s style? Do you convey respect or frustration?
  6. Be part of the solution. Might your own attitudes and responses be contributing to problems you may be having? What can you do differently?

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Communication Tip #2: Communication involves both speaking and listening; try to have a balance of both.

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Listening Skills

Real listening requires attentiveness to hear, read, and acknowledge the speaker’s experience accurately. It also avoids patronizing sympathy (“Oh, how awful!”). An empathic response is actually often quite restrained. It follows, not leads, and encourages the speaker to go deeper into his or her own experience because it aims for understanding.

ATTENTION
  • A parent’s full attention conveys the message to children that what they have to say is important and that the parent is ready to listen. Eye contact and a warm tone of voice and facial expression convey interest in ways that words alone cannot.
APPRECIATION
  • Listening effectively includes conveying to the speaker that he or she is being heard and encouraged to continue. In some cases, it may be enough to simply say, “Oh,” or, “I see.” Words like these, in addition to a caring attitude, are open-ended invitations for children to explore their own thoughts and feelings. Sometimes a nod, a hug, or simply a step toward a child is all he needs to know he is being understood.
  • Another effective method of showing understanding is to paraphrase what the speaker has said. A paraphrase is a restatement of what someone else has said and meant that aims at appreciating what the speaker is trying to express. It reflects the essence of the speaker’s message in the listener’s own words and cuts through the details to the heart of the matter. “It sounds like…” or, “So what you’re saying is…” are good ways to begin.
ACKNOWLEDGE FEELINGS
  • Acknowledging feelings enables children to explore and clarify their emotions and feel they have an ally in the listener. It involves discerning what children are feeling by observing them as well as listening to their words and reflecting it back to them. Acknowledging a child’s feelings does not mean that we agree with their assessment of the situation or that we dismiss their behavior. All feelings are acceptable, but not all behavior. When we listen reflectively, we avoid saying, “You don’t really feel that way.”
  • Give the feelings a name. For example, a parent might say, “You felt left out when Justin didn’t let you have a turn,” or, “You feel frustrated that I gave you a chore to do when you are in the middle of a game.” Sometimes adults fear that by giving the feeling a name, it reinforces it. Actually, children feel comforted and less alone in their feelings.
  • Give them their wishes in fantasy. “I wish I had the magic power to add more sunshine to the day so that we could stay here and play.” Or, “Let me write that down on your wish list so that we can remember it.” Sometimes just having someone understand how much you want something makes the reality easier to bear.

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Birth to Age Three
Nurturing
Nurturing Tip #1: Encourage play! Playtime allows children to practice and learn about emotions. Join in and share the joy it brings.

Read More

7 Ways to Encourage Play!
  1. Be responsive to your children’s ideas. When you engage in an activity with your children, observe their skills and styles. Let them take the lead and try to be responsive to their ideas and inclinations rather than imposing your own.
  2. Do things you both enjoy. Try to stay in tune with your own feelings and avoid engaging too often in those activities that you don’t enjoy. Find things to do together that provide opportunities for you and your children to learn or discover something new or, at the very least, activities that you will derive pleasure from as you observe the enjoyment in your children.
  3. Avoid playing with your children when you are in a hurry or distracted. When you are feeling impatient, your children will sense your mood, and no one will enjoy the time together.
  4. Encourage children to enjoy time by themselves. The ability to enjoy time alone is important and develops during the preschool years. Try to avoid jumping in to fix problems when you observe that your children are having difficulty. Allow them to struggle and make mistakes (though step in when you feel that the level of frustration is too high).
  5. Set limits, but let your child explore. Play at this age is primarily exploratory. Try to support children’s experimentation while also providing appropriate limits when necessary. For example, when finger painting, children need to know that the paint must stay on the table (or paper), but how they apply the paint and what they create is up to them.
  6. Be non-judgmental and give specific praise. Acknowledge your children’s ideas and feelings without passing judgment. When you praise, be specific (e.g., “Anthony, I see you shared your crayons with Greta, and you’ve both made colorful pictures. What nice sharing!”)
  7. Have fun! When you’re playing with your child, your primary goal is for both of you to enjoy yourselves. So relax, have fun, and avoid the inclination to make a lesson out of everything.

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Nurturing Tip #2: Work with your child’s temperament rather than trying to change it.

Read More

How to Maintain Harmony between Parent and Child

Parents who are attuned to their child’s temperament and who recognize their child’s particular strengths will find life more harmonious.

For example:
  • In a new situation, some children need little help in adapting
  • Other children do best if not hurried and given time to think about the situation
  • Others may need advance warning and practice of appropriate behavior

Always think about your own temperamental style and whether it meshes with your child’s temperamental style. An active, on-the-go parent may have to learn patience in dealing with a slow-to-warm-up child.

Responding Sensitively to Temperament
  1. Adapt the length of time, number of activities, and demands a task requires to a child’s capacity to manage these things.
  2. Prepare children for what will be happening, the likely sequence of events, the frustrations anticipated, and your expectations regarding their behavior.
  3. Plan for success. For example: For an active child, bring a book or toy she enjoys to help her manage delays; for a slow-to-warm-up child, set aside plenty of time for adjustment so that neither of you will feel rushed. Think about the kind of support your child will need to function well—and plan accordingly.
  4. Intervene and change the mood when behavior first begins to get out of hand. Do not wait until your child falls apart.

Read Less

Discipline
Discipline Tip #1: Set realistic expectations to reduce the chance of frustrating your child.

Read More

Ways to Reduce Frustration in Young Children
Any Temperament:
  • Work with your child’s temperament rather than trying to change it
  • Be careful not to compare your child to other children
  • Focus on your child’s strengths, and tell them when they do something well (not just when they mess up)
A Fearful Temperament:
  • Keep your home calm and predictable, and provide structure to your child’s daily life
  • Use one of your child’s favorite objects to ease anxiety during transitions
  • Prepare your child for any new experiences that occur
A Flexible Temperament:
  • Give them new experiences to encourage their enthusiasm
  • Make sure their needs don’t get “lost” compared to other children
  • Teach them to know how to evaluate the safety and appropriateness of activities and behaviors
A Feisty Temperament:
  • Maintain consistent rules
  • Avoid name-calling (“troublemaker,” “hyper,” “problem child”)
  • Offer a safe and calm space where the child can relax and regain control when needed

Read Less

Discipline Tip #2: Young children’s attention is limited. Stay calm and expect them to need frequent reminders of rules.

Read More

Talking So Children Will Listen: 7 Tips
  1. Be brief. A good rule of thumb is to state what is most important in the first sentence. If you use a paragraph to say something, try a sentence instead. If you say it in a sentence, try saying it with a word. And if you find yourself saying the same thing again and again, try another strategy!
  2. Be specific. Saying, “Be good,” “Be nice,” is not enough information for children. Even saying, “Get ready for dinner,” may not be enough. Saying, “Dinner’s almost ready. Turn off the TV, please, and wash your hands,” is better.
  3. Describe the situation. Giving an account of what the problem is in a clear, simple, and neutral manner helps children and teens focus on what needs to get done rather than on defending themselves. For example, instead of, “You didn’t take out the trash,” try, “The garbage truck is coming this morning, and our cans are not by the curb.” Or, instead of, “Why are you late every morning?” try, “The bus will be here within ten minutes.”
  4. Provide information. State the facts so that children can make responsible decisions. For example, “Milk turns sour when not refrigerated,” or, “The house gets cold when the front door is left open.” Children experience this strategy as an expression of confidence in them.
  5. Issue gentle reminders. Parents need to remind children of their expectations many times. We never expect children to learn math or reading without repetition. Learning appropriate behavior is no different. “Dirty clothes belong in the hamper.” “Muddy shoes stay outside.” “Pick up your lunch on your way out the door.” After a while, a single word may be all that is needed: “Clothes.” “Shoes.” “Lunch.”
  6. Use “When and Then” instead of “If, Then.” Sentences that begin with “if” are often the beginning of a threat. “If you don’t pick up your toys, we can’t read a story.” Using “when/then” or “as soon as” presents matters more positively and offers a reward. “When you pick up your toys, then we can read a story.”
  7. Use “I,” not “You” phrases. Statements that start with “I” allow parents to express their own needs without making children defensive. They subtly shift the emphasis from the child to the behavior a parent wants to change. Saying, “I don’t like it when the toys are not picked up; I step on them,” is more likely to call children to action than, “You always make such big messes. You didn’t pick up your toys again.”

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Approaches to Learning
Learning Tip #1: Recognize that your child uses all of her senses to learn: touch, sound, and sight are all important cues.

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Six Common Learning Styles:
Visual
  • Learns by seeing, watching
  • Enjoys drawing
  • Stimulated by pictures
  • Notices colors
  • Learns best with graphs, charts, or maps
  • Uses images to remember things
Auditory
  • Learns best by listening
  • Enjoys listening to stories
  • Enjoys rhyming games
  • Likes music
  • Hums or sings often
  • Talks to self when learning something new
Verbal
  • Learns best by reading, writing, and talking
  • Enjoys telling stories
  • Creates elaborate fantasy worlds
  • Enjoys learning new words
  • Likes word searches, scrabble, crosswords
  • Enjoys tongue twisters and rhymes
Tactile/ Kinesthetic
  • Learns best by doing
  • Enjoys touching and handling things
  • Likes to be physically active
  • Prefers to try things out (as opposed to being shown)
  • Often has a short attention span
  • Often appears restless or fidgety
Social
  • Prefers to learn in groups
  • Enjoys being around people
  • Warm, responsive personality
  • Motivated to help or please others
  • Enjoys being on teams or in clubs
  • Has good communication skills
Solitary
  • Learns best alone
  • Prefers to listen, watch, reflect
  • Likes to think before trying a new skill
  • Tends to be private
  • Often reflective
  • Independent

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Communication
Communication Tip #1: Turn everyday activities into opportunities to build vocabulary and other language skills.

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Strategies for Encouraging Literacy
  1. Start early. Research shows that reading with your child not only benefits their language and intellectual development but also helps you build a strong, close relationship with them.
  2. Make reading a positive experience. Slow down, enjoy, and be warm and encouraging. Be playful and use fun voices to make the stories more captivating.
  3. Encourage participation by asking, “What do you think comes next?” or, “What’s inside the hole?” or pausing to let your child fill in the words he might know.
  4. Let your child choose the book—even if it’s the same one over and over again!
  5. Let them be in control of turning the pages and deciding when they’re done. The goal isn’t to get to the end of the book but to encourage positive interactions with books and reading. If they seem bored or restless, stop reading and come back to the book another time.
  6. Share everyday reading moments—point out words at the grocery store and post office, in the car, and on labels and recipes. Show your child that reading is important in everyday life.
  7. Encourage your child to experiment with telling stories, acting out favorite or made-up stories, drawing, and writing.
  8. Invite your toddler to “read” to you. Reading time doesn’t have to be a one-way street! They may not know the words, but they can “read” the pictures and name what they see. As they grow, they can retell familiar stories or decode the story by looking at the pictures. They’re learning important lessons about plot, characters, and creativity.
  9. Let your child see you enjoy reading your own books. Example is a powerful teacher. As your child observes your pleasure in reading, they will come to value it, too.

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Communication Tip #2: Pauses are powerful. Wait to be sure that your child is absorbing what you are saying.

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Six Powerful Communication Strategies
  1. Self-talk. Say what you are doing, thinking, and feeling as you naturally go through your day.
    Why it Matters: Your child will hear different words and be able to relate them to the world.
  2. Lean in. If possible, make eye contact and stop other activities.
    Why it Matters: Your child will learn that their words are important and that they are valued.
  3. Revise. Add more detail or background to what your child says to you.
    Why it Matters: Your child will learn more ways to express what they are interested in.
  4. Be open. When you talk or read, leave some statements open for your child to finish: “This doll likes to…”
    Why it Matters: Your child will feel capable and confident as they add to the conversation.
  5. Be curious. Start sentences with “I wonder if…” or “I bet you like…”
    Why it Matters: Be comfortable with silence so that your child absorbs what you say.
  6. Encouragement. Your child will be excited to share what they know.
    Why it Matters: Giving the child time to think gives them a chance to respond.

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Ages Three to Eight
Nurturing
Nurturing Tip #1: Let your child practice skills that will help them succeed. For example, teach a shy child how to make eye contact with and say hello to a loved one first before practicing with others.

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7 Strategies for Nurturing Your Child’s Sense of Self
  1. Remember that children develop their sense of competence over time.
  2. Respect children and require respect in return.
  3. Teach through example. Model what you hope to teach.
  4. Help children to think and problem-solve. Work issues through with them so that they can learn to do it on their own.
  5. Require children to take on responsibilities and make some contribution to family life.
  6. Balance independence and control. Children need structure, adult guidance, support, and limits, along with opportunities to make choices of their own.
  7. Be realistic about the limits of your control, and accept the fact that parents have a powerful influence but cannot control what children believe and how they behave.

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Nurturing Tip #2: Give your child a variety of words—like excited, disappointed, frustrated—to express all of their feelings.

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6 Ways to Talk About Difficult Feelings
  1. Provide unconditional love. “I know you’re upset you didn’t make the soccer team, but I love you and am proud of you for trying.”
  2. Give positive guidance: encouraging, affectionate, and supportive. “I see you’re trying and are frustrated—I bet you’ll get it soon!”
  3. Help your child when she clearly needs help, but allow her to try it on her own first. “It might be hard, but let’s see if you can do it first.”
  4. Set realistic expectations. “You might not feel confident; all I want you to do is try your best.”
  5. Let your child know that mistakes are acceptable. “I know you’re disappointed, but I bet we can learn something from this mistake.”
  6. Serve as a role model—be calm and manage your own negative emotions. “Let’s look at this calmly together and come up with a plan.”

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Discipline
Discipline Tip #1: Be a role model. Nothing parents can say is as important as what children see them do on a daily basis.

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10 Ways to Be a Role Model for Your Child
  1. Play games together that help children practice taking turns, negotiating rules, etc.
  2. Model how to share and cooperate with others.
  3. “Think out loud” to show your child how you think.
  4. Label your feelings and your child’s out loud: e.g., “You seem sad. What happened?”
  5. Read to your child, and read aloud together: emphasize emotion, play with voices.
  6. Let your child try to do things with you rather than always doing it for them.
  7. Talk aloud with your child about events or news to ask their opinion and to help memory building.
  8. Create and carry out a plan with your child to model problem-solving.
  9. Make sure your child gets healthy food and enough sleep (10-12 hours suggested for ages 3-8).
  10. Model taking care of your health and body: “I have more energy when I snack on fruit than candy.”

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Discipline Tip #2: Break down your expectations for your child into "first…then" statements to avoid misunderstandings.

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6 Problem-Solving Strategies
  1. Choose a quiet time to problem-solve (when you are riding in the car, putting a child to bed, etc.). You can begin by saying, “We seem to be having a problem—let’s figure out what we can do to solve it.”
  2. Describe the situation from your child’s point of view. Listen to see if he or she agrees with your understanding of his or her perspective.
  3. Describe the problem from your perspective as a parent. Express your own feelings and needs sensitively and honestly. Use “I” messages. Define the problem in terms of needs, not solutions.
  4. Restate the problem simply from both perspectives and brainstorm together to think of possible solutions. Write them down if it’s helpful. Generate as many solutions as possible, striving for quantity initially, not quality. Do not evaluate the ideas at this point.
  5. Consider every idea and choose one solution to try that meets the needs of everyone involved. Plan together how you will implement the agreed upon solution. Implement it.
  6. After implementing the plan, evaluate it. Congratulate one another if things are working to everyone’s satisfaction. Make changes if needed. Or, if the solution is not working, start over and agree on another solution.

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Approaches to Learning
Learning Tip #1: Let children know mistakes are OK and acceptable—they don’t need to get everything "right."

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Fostering Independence and Resilience: Six Tips
  1. Discover and affirm your child’s strengths. Not every child will be a great student, athlete, or performer, but every child has qualities that make them special. Help them accept that they will sometimes falter.
  2. Get to know and convey your appreciation of their unique style, especially when the strengths are not easily observed or universally applauded. “I notice that people like to spend time with you. You pay attention and are kind to them.”
  3. Allow children to explore and follow their interests and support them as they gradually reach a sense of mastery. Feeling a sense of competence in one area means your child will be better able to withstand difficulties in another.
  4. Value trying over succeeding, even if the outcome is not always good. If we always protect our children from hurt or defeat, they will never learn to cope on their own. Even if your first impulse is to rush in and solve a problem, try to hold back. Help children understand that in making mistakes, we often learn new things and that your love is not contingent on their success.
  5. Avoid doing for children what they can do for themselves. Take the time to teach your children the skills they need so they can do tasks independently. Show them how to zip a zipper, tie their shoes, make their bed, set the table, help with the laundry, and cook a meal.
  6. Be patient, even if it takes longer to get it “right.” It takes patience to teach children such important skills, but they need to be able to contribute to their family and also gain a sense of competence when they can handle routine tasks.

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Learning Tip #2: Praise your child’s efforts as well as the successes

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Offering Effective Praise and Encouragement: Seven Tips
  1. Avoid extravagant praise. When you say, “You must be the smartest kid in the class,” your child may experience it as pressure to perform or may learn to become dependent on others’ approval.
  2. Be specific. Don’t just say, “Good job” whenever your child makes progress toward a goal or masters a skill. Point out the details. Saying, “The way you described the storm in your story made it real for me,” or, “I like the colors you used to draw your picture,” shows that you are paying attention and is more meaningful than a rote pat on the back or an extravagant compliment.
  3. Give an A for effort. Praise attitude. You might say, “You were so focused in that soccer match,” or, “You worked hard to solve that math problem.” Then, if your child doesn’t do well the next time, he will be more likely to attribute the problem to a lack of effort than a lack of ability.
  4. Praise your child for things deserving recognition. Research suggests that children who are complimented enthusiastically for doing an easy task are more likely to think they are not capable of doing more.
  5. Notice improvement. “You got five words right on your spelling test. That’s two more than last week,” or, “Thanks for picking up without my asking.”
  6. Spread the word. Let your child overhear you say something good about her to someone else. Sometimes children discount direct praise as embarrassing.
  7. Accept mistakes. Your child needs to know that your love is not contingent on his succeeding or behaving well. Also, experiencing mistakes and recovering promotes resilience and self-confidence.

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Learning Tip #3: Taking (reasonable) risks is how children learn. Expose them to safe but challenging tasks.

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Learning by Doing (Safely): Six Strategies
  1. Allow children to make choices and decisions. So that children feel they have some control over their lives, parents should allow children opportunities to make age-appropriate choices. At a very early age, a parent can ask, “Would you like to wear your blue sweater or your red jacket?” Or when a child is older, “Would you like to practice the piano before or after dinner?” Or, “Earn money by working a few days after school, or on Saturdays?”
  2. Allow children to make mistakes and experience the consequences. In rushing in to rescue their children, parents often rob them of an important learning opportunity
  3. Encourage children to solve their own problems. Avoid the temptation to offer a quick solution yourself or to give unasked advice. Whenever possible, let children handle problems, including squabbles with siblings, without your help. When intervention is necessary, help children brainstorm possible solutions to a problem, evaluate options, and then decide which one they want to try.
  4. Analyze failure. Researchers who study resiliency maintain that it isn’t failure that is devastating to a child but how they interpret it. When a child is able to think, “I failed the test because I didn’t pay attention,” rather than, “I failed because I’m dumb,” they can figure out what they can do differently and better next time.
  5. Teach children caution, not fear. As children become older and acquire new and appropriate freedoms that move them away from the watchful eyes of parents, teach them to trust and obey their feelings if someone ever makes them uncomfortable and to ask for help whenever they need it. If, in a compromising or uncomfortable situation, someone says, “Don’t yell!” they should yell. If someone says, “Don’t tell,” they should tell for safety reasons.
  6. Find ways for children to make a meaningful contribution. Give children responsibilities around the house that seem reasonable for their age, ability, and personality. Encourage them to assume responsibilities in school and in the community. Help them be successful in completing what they start without taking over. Helping others gives children a chance to focus on more than their own needs and desires.

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Communication
Communication Tip #1: Avoid negative labels or publicly labeling your child in front of others.

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Six Positive Parenting Strategies
  1. Be flexible about your child’s ability to handle a task. Think about the length of time, number of activities, and demands a task requires. You may need to adjust your plan.
  2. Change the mood. Get involved when a behavior first begins to get out of hand. Do not wait until your child falls apart.
  3. Avoid negative labels. Use positive words to describe temperament. Call your child “persistent” instead of “stubborn,” “energetic” instead of “hyper.”
  4. Avoid over-explaining. If you frequently say, “David is very shy,” he begins to see himself that way too much and not try to stretch his skills.
  5. Remember “goodness of fit.” Consider your own style and your feelings about your child’s temperament. Have you been able to accept your child’s style? Do you convey respect or frustration?
  6. Be part of the solution. Might your own attitudes and responses be contributing to problems you may be having? What can you do differently?

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Communication Tip #2: Communication involves both speaking and listening; try to have a balance of both.

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Listening Skills

Real listening requires attentiveness to hear, read, and acknowledge the speaker’s experience accurately. It also avoids patronizing sympathy (“Oh, how awful!”). An empathic response is actually often quite restrained. It follows, not leads, and encourages the speaker to go deeper into his or her own experience because it aims for understanding.

ATTENTION
  • A parent’s full attention conveys the message to children that what they have to say is important and that the parent is ready to listen. Eye contact and a warm tone of voice and facial expression convey interest in ways that words alone cannot.
APPRECIATION
  • Listening effectively includes conveying to the speaker that he or she is being heard and encouraged to continue. In some cases, it may be enough to simply say, “Oh,” or, “I see.” Words like these, in addition to a caring attitude, are open-ended invitations for children to explore their own thoughts and feelings. Sometimes a nod, a hug, or simply a step toward a child is all he needs to know he is being understood.
  • Another effective method of showing understanding is to paraphrase what the speaker has said. A paraphrase is a restatement of what someone else has said and meant that aims at appreciating what the speaker is trying to express. It reflects the essence of the speaker’s message in the listener’s own words and cuts through the details to the heart of the matter. “It sounds like…” or, “So what you’re saying is…” are good ways to begin.
ACKNOWLEDGE FEELINGS
  • Acknowledging feelings enables children to explore and clarify their emotions and feel they have an ally in the listener. It involves discerning what children are feeling by observing them as well as listening to their words and reflecting it back to them. Acknowledging a child’s feelings does not mean that we agree with their assessment of the situation or that we dismiss their behavior. All feelings are acceptable, but not all behavior. When we listen reflectively, we avoid saying, “You don’t really feel that way.”
  • Give the feelings a name. For example, a parent might say, “You felt left out when Justin didn’t let you have a turn,” or, “You feel frustrated that I gave you a chore to do when you are in the middle of a game.” Sometimes adults fear that by giving the feeling a name, it reinforces it. Actually, children feel comforted and less alone in their feelings.
  • Give them their wishes in fantasy. “I wish I had the magic power to add more sunshine to the day so that we could stay here and play.” Or, “Let me write that down on your wish list so that we can remember it.” Sometimes just having someone understand how much you want something makes the reality easier to bear.

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